Marriage

Seven Perks to Marrying Someone Older Than You

byNatasha Metzler

I’ve been waiting for this year (2014) since the day my husband proposed to me. At some point during our dating season, I realized it was coming and started giggling over it, even then. It’s definitely fair to say that my dear man was warned, so I don’t feel even the tiniest bit bad about it.

This year, my husband, who will move up into his forties, will officially be married to a girl still in her twenties. Sounds scandalous, doesn’t it? Actually, we’re just over ten years apart but it so happens that there are three little months between his fortieth birthday and my thirtieth. Considering the fact that he teases me mercilessly about my abundance of gray hair, I think it’s about time I get to talk up my great youth.

All kidding aside, there are some wonderful things about being married to a man who is more than a couple years older than you (let’s not forget that there is an assumption being made that along with age, a certain level of maturity has been reached!) and while this post is written with a bit of laughter, there are a few things you should remember.

I don’t believe that there is any “right” age for someone to marry, nor do I believe that a girl needs to marry someone older than her. And, of course, I’m only sharing from my limited experience. That said; the positives of marrying someone older have been rapidly lost in a world where “young love” is often touted as the best kind. And I think that is a crying shame.

Why? Let me explain.

Marry someone at least ten years older than you and…

1. You’ll never feel old.

In other words, no matter how old you get, he’s always older. Whenever women talk about hitting thirty, or forty, or fifty (or any other age that causes them to have a slight crisis), you can always smile a little. Getting older is as easy as puddin’ pie because in your circle? You’ll always be the “young one.”

2. You’ll have no need for jealousy when you meet his high school crush at a class reunion.

After all, she’s old, too.

3. Two words: financial stability.

And by that, I don’t mean “you won’t ever have financial trouble,” rather, when you do have issues, he’ll probably be stable enough from maturity and been-here-before-ness that he won’t freak out.

4. No matter how different you seem than his mother, he won’t think to mention it.

Chances are he’s lived on his own for quite some time. The whole, “Well, my mom used to…” has pretty much faded into a distant childhood memory.

5. Meals will never be a problem.

Let me explain: when he gets home from work and you’ve either been working too, or completely forgotten what time it is—he won’t say anything stupid. Instead, he’ll either throw a meal together himself because he’s gotten quite good at it, or be ridiculously happy with toasted cheese and tomato soup because it’s way, way better than the burnt hamburgers he ate for years. It’s a win, win!

6. Everything you do for him will be INCREDIBLE.

You fold his laundry? Wow!  You get up and make coffee? Glorious!  You clean the bathroom? A-freaking-mazing.  You wash dishes? So cool!  You go grocery shopping on a regular basis so there is actually food in the cupboard? You might need to tell him to stop kissing your feet.

7. Your very presence will remind him of God’s grace.

When you marry a man who prayed for a wife for at least a decade, there will be many moments when you’ll catch him staring at you with pure joy in his eye because part of him really wondered if God would give him a wife and here you are.

Of course, there are many variables to any marriage and this list is not a formula, just a humorous look at some possibilities.

Do you have questions about marrying someone older than you?

Are you in a marriage with a large age-gap? What are some of the positives (or negatives) that you’ve found?

Are you considering marriage? Here are some great posts to peruse:

Natasha writes from a small farm in Northern New York where she lives with her husband and three miracle children. In between homeschooling the older kids she blogs and writes books. Pain Redeemed tells the story of her journey through infertility and Counting Grains of Sand tells of how God built her family from splintered pieces. She also writes fiction that celebrates the goodness of the Father, like her Women of Promise series and the allegorical fairy tales found in her Daughters of the King collection.

49 Comments

  1. This article made me smile. My boyfriend is 29 years old and I am 18. He also has there little munchkins that never fail to brighten up my day. People are constantly putting us down for being together despite our 11 year age gap. Very true and humorous article.

  2. Hi there, just reading through all of your comments about your older relationships and wondering if I could seek some advice? I have recently been seeing a guy who I absolutely adore and he’s asked me to marry him, however! I’m only 17 and he is 30.. How did you make your teen relationships last and how did you tell your parents? My parents are very young (both 33) and I told my Dad and he was very firm on the idea that I shouldn’t let the relationship continue and should not let my Mum find out..

    1. I would encourage you to honor your parents. Scripture is so clear about respecting our parents, there is just no way around that. At 17, I truly believe you are still answerable to your father and mother. I know that overly simplifies things, but you can’t skip that base truth. So, I encourage you to give your parents the platform in your life to speak into your decisions.

  3. My friend’s hubby is almost 30 years older yet he is very hands on with his three children who are all under 10years of age. my reasoning is that a good fAther is irrespective of age. a good man is too irrespective of age.

  5. I want ur feedback and help in my situation. . A guy who’s 40 now and am 28 proposed to me.. he is working with me at the same bank .. I saw him before I knew that he has a crush on me and my impression was that he is a very decent man.. when he asked me I was surprised and I was like no way.. but I thought about it later and said why not and when he approached again I told him let me think about it.. im from Egypt and our culture is different .. when I told my mum she said NO without even thinking and she told me never think about it and ill refuse u r still young and why he is not married till this age there might be something wrong with that! I think I like him and he is financially stable compared to younger guys here in Egypt who either can’t afford a living or their families are helping which makes me feel that most of them are not responsible and not mature (the case of most of my generation). But I was thinking that 10 years later he will be 50 and ill be in my 30th he won’t help me in raising children .. he won’t live as much years with them and play with them.. he won’t care about me ill be in need of someone also who can have fun together travel and hike! Am I wrong! And what can I do with my family! And with the society who will say she married an old man for his money! Or may be because no one wants to marry her!

    1. Hi Yasmine,

      Sorry it took a while for us to get back to you! I understand how this situation can feel pressing and stressful. Since you are reading Kindred Grace, I’m going to assume that you are a Christian in my response. If you are not, I hope you don’t take offense to my advice! It’s simply what I’d say to any of my sisters in Christ who would come to me with a situation like yours!

      You said that you are 28. No matter what age you are, there is never a good reason to rush something this precious. Even if you were forty…or ninety! God’s timing is always best. I wouldn’t advise you to accept this man’s proposal until you know him better. There are many reasons I’d say this, but a big one is that you are not completely at peace about it yourself. If you are concerned about what it might do to your reputation, or how marrying an older man will effect your future or if you’d really be happy with him at all, I think you need to slow down. You don’t want to end up married to anyone, young or old, that you don’t know you can love and trust forever.

      I know that I am speaking from a different culture, but my recommendation would be for you and your family to try to get to know this man before moving forward with any definite plans. What are his religious views? What made him interested in you? What are his plans for the future? Does he want kids?

      Later, if you find that he is what you truly want in a husband, then you should accept his proposal! Until then, don’t rush yourself. You have time, God’s got more time and this man may or may not be part of your story.

      I hope this helps. 🙂

      Everly

  6. This is a great reminder for me about the positives of marrying my husband who is 11 years older than me (sounds about the same, I am 28 and he is almost 40). We have been married for 3 years now and have a 5 month old baby boy. He has always wanted a family and is so excited and happy that he has one now and I think appreciates it more because he waited so long. However, I do struggle with the fact that we want another child and he will be in his 60s when they graduate highschool. In my experience so far the con is that at 40 he doesn’t have the energy level of his 30s (we met when he was 33) and it does bum me out a bit that he wont be able to be as active with the family as I had hoped and in visioned. Has anyone else experienced this??

    Regardless, I still feel extremely blessed to have him. He is such an amazing husband, father and man because of his age and life experiences and at the end of the day that’s a small price to pay for all the other amazing traits he has. Just curious if others have stuggled with this and how they learned to accept it….

    1. I understand where you’re coming from, sister. This is a subject my (nineteen years older) husband and I have talked about quite a bit. It’s constantly on my husband’s mind because he was the youngest child of an “old dad”, so he was pretty young when his father passed. Since he’s in his forties nowadays, and our children are mere toddlers, it’s an ever-present reality that he himself will never be the “young dad” he always dreamed of being. As a result, he has made sure to draw up a will, arrange for my financial future as a widow, and do everything he can to stay in shape so that he can be as healthy as possible as long as possible.
      That said, no one is promised tomorrow, sweetheart. Not young men, not old men. Tragedy strikes all alike, those that are ready, and those that are not.
      Also, although your husband may not be able to be as active with your children as you would like, there is a large chance that he will be wiser with them than he would have been in his youth. A good man gains wisdom as he goes through life, and being older means that he’s most likely been through more “maturing” life experiences. Yes, experience is a trade-off for youth, but marriage oftentimes tends to be a practice in seeing beauty where it is, not where you want it to be.
      It sounds like you already realize most of this. I’m just reaffirming that you’re not alone. The large age-distance factor isn’t all sunshine and roses. However, it isn’t a handicap either. It’s merely a trade-off. There are advantages and disadvantages to be carefully considered in every single type of relationship. ((hugs!))

  7. I’m actually in a reverse relationship – he’s considerably younger than me.
    It honestly scares the daylights out of me sometimes because of the age difference, but we are just so ridiculously happy together. We’ve been together for 3 years and right off the bat it we just naturally fell in sync with each other.
    We want the same things and life is good together, but I didn’t know if the age was going to interfere.
    Thank you again for sharing and God bless you and your wonderful marriage!

  8. Loved this 🙂 My husband is 8 years older. Right now it’s actually 9 since he just turned 33 and don’t turn 25 till June.

    When people ask how we met I can always say ‘well when I was 4 and he was 12….’ since we knew each other back then, in church.

    We lost touch and met again when I was 17 and he 25, but didn’t really get to know each other until 2 years later. After a few months of me saying he ‘was the last man on earth I would ever marry’ we started dating and got married a year later.

    I look more like 18 then 24, but he looks more like 26 then 33, so it evens out ;p

    Since he still lived at home I did have to learn how to fold his shirts the exact same way his mom did it, but he can cook if he wants to, and financial stablility is also a blessing 🙂

  9. I love this! I can so relate! I scandalously married a man that I met on a church youth group trip…he was my chaperone! Ha! I was 18 and he was 28 when we met. He was in seminary at the time, and I was just starting college. We dated for 3 years and now have been married for 5 years. I was that girl he had been praying for. And he was the first (and only) man I’ve kissed. I love “our story!” He is now a youth/family pastor at our amazing church. I once had a high school girl ask me what I thought about dating an older guy. Had to be careful with my response! lol!

  10. Pingback: With Jesus as Lover | Thoughts from a quiet nook

    1. Hmm…. What a great idea! Ha ha! He does call me his “old lady” (claims the name is appropriate because of all the gray hair) so it seems like I should definitely find a good one for those few months…

  13. Ha! Totally different experience. I think I shed many a tear in the newlywed days because I THOUGHT it would be like you’ve said here. Despite my being 28 and my husband being 35 when we married:

    -he went to college later, so his peers are all young and cute
    -he lived with his parents up until the day we married and they still cook and bring us food and even do our laundry sometimes (!)
    -he’s not financially secure either thanks to the current economic situation

    But I will say that a guy who has waited that long to find a wife makes a superb husband! Bliss!

  14. One negative thing that we might not think about until we’re older:there is a very good chance that we’ll still be doing things we love to do while he’s no longer able to do those things or gone already….
    So marrying someone older usually means a higher chance of being alone in our older “golden” years. And also you may have grandchildren (eventually) who will never have a grandfather around. Lots to think about when it comes to marrying someone 10+ years older.

    1. While this is a very real possibility, I’ve never really equated it just to marrying someone 10 years older, but rather to any marriage at all. You see, there is always a chance of outliving your spouse (or one of you losing some kind of physical ability). Some do and others don’t. Sometimes it has to do with age, other times the younger one faces the disabilities or death first. Since I believe, completely, that God is the giver of life and nothing can happen to us that he does not allow, I guess this “negative” isn’t really one that I give a lot of time and thought to.

      Now, that said, my husband is very aware of the chance that I’ll outlive him. Every couple years he goes through all of his business stuff and tells me what he wants me to do when he dies. It’s kind of an ongoing joke between us. The last time, I responded by going into great detail about what I wanted him to do if I went first and he looked at me cross-eyed. “It is a possibility, you know,” I told him. We laughed but the truth is that all of us are living “numbered” days. It’s just a fact of life, I’m afraid! But what comes after life, for the Believer, is more wonderful than this world can ever be. So, I guess I’m not too worried about it!:)

      1. While I agree with you on the point that either one could go first… after all, only God knows the number of days, there is still the fact that God does call us to use common sense and think things through. The choices we make now will affect us for generations to come. And yes, I am a Christian and look forward to Heaven! But that doesn’t mean I don’t seek God’s will in every day decisions and use the common sense He gave me.
        Just following our hearts can lead to disaster and many a heartache. Marriage is such a blessing but it also has its challenges. Why add to the challenges by marrying someone as old as your father? (I realize this isn’t the case with all the ladies here though! 🙂
        For me, I always had “boundaries” for myself which I think was healthy to do. Otherwise I could have fallen for anyone who seemed like a great guy and told me that he loved me. For me, he couldn’t be older than me by 10-12 years. (Which meant, that I would no sooner marry a 50 year old than an 80 year old!) Strong Christian. Never divorced. Disciplined. Stable. It was a short list but it was my guide so I would never be tempted to compromise.

        I think part of the reason society has a hard time accepting it or embracing it is because it’s not naturally natural for someone to *want* to marry someone as old as their father, usually. And with all the predators around, one has to be cautious about why there is an attraction there. Does this “older” guy always date “younger” girls? If so, why? It’s funny but I’ve noticed the trend seems to be a younger gal with an older guy and not the other way around. I’m not sure why that is but it would be interesting to do a poll and find out!

        I know this article was meant for fun and I did enjoy it but I think there is a “reality” side to it too that maybe should be addressed. Not trying to bring anyone down or anything though.

        1. Anonymous, Natasha asked me to reply for her because she’s currently unable to access the internet.
          #1: You are SO RIGHT! It’s terribly important to thoroughly check out any guy before marrying them. It’s important to have mature mentors around you to seek council from as well. This applies to possible spouses of any age.
          #2: There are many older women that marry younger men. We just haven’t written an article about that as of this point.
          #3: Some women ARE naturally attracted to older guys. They just don’t feel as free to talk about it as those women that are attracted to “baby faces”. I personally “crushed” on older men for most of my teenage life, so it wasn’t a big surprise to anyone when I married an older man. I appreciated the maturity and stability and yes, wrinkles, of an more cultured man. I think most of the women that like this post will understand that.
          #4: I’m married to man that is a mere couple years younger than my parents. It was not an arranged marriage, although my parents heartily approved of the match. He did not habitually “date” younger women. He was never married before me. He did not pursue me. He was stable and secure financially, emotionally and spiritually. I was also stable, and was not scrambling for a mate. I was not jumping for the first guy that came along. I had more boundaries in my life than anyone else I knew. The Lord brought us together in a beautiful way, and marrying Marty was the best (non-salvational) decision I ever made. I hope this helps you understand.

          1. Thank you for the reply, Jessiqua. It does help me understand a little more.

            I guess for me I had always been that girl who was never attracted to baby face boys nor the older, wrinkly type. It never appealed to me to find someone who was my father’s age or even older. Just curious, are there “limits” with women who like older men? I mean, would they be okay marrying a 60 or 70 or 80 year old too? I guess I’m thinking out loud and curious.

            I do know of one older woman who married a younger guy but it seems to not be as ‘popular’ as older men marrying younger women.

            Obviously your situation was different and very God and parent honoring. I agree with you that it’s so important to get your mentors wisdom and advice and parents are great at see flaws, concerns and issues we may not see. And I can see you two are meant for each other! 🙂 How wonderful to be married to a guy who is stable, financially secure, spiritually mature, never divorced, etc…. You have a treasure.

            My concerns are coming from situations where I have seen older divorced guys seemingly only go after younger, attractive women and it seems to only end in chaos (the instances I know of anyway). I can see how it could be harder to relate to someone who is 2+ generations older than you. Of course, this isn’t always the case. The other thing that I have noticed in one older guy/younger gal marriage (that I know of) is that the guy tends to be very fatherly toward his wife. This doesn’t always go over so well with her…. =/

            Thanks again for the response.

          2. You are so right. There are a ton of bad examples of marriage out there. I’ve seen older guys go after younger women for bad reasons, but I’ve also seen just as many younger guys go after younger women for bad reasons. Age is not so much the factor as character flaws in the individuals. (In my opinion.)
            It was very easy for Marty and me to relate to each other. Even though we’re from different generations, I have more in common with him than I do with most of my peers. He is protective and gentle towards me, but I wouldn’t call him fatherly. Although, since I had an awesome father, I wouldn’t think of “fatherly” as being a bad word either! Haha!
            Thank you so much for your feedback! I appreciate this conversation.

  15. ahh this made me laugh. Just the other day someone mentioned to me about a guy they knew (yep matchmaking ) , but then said he was 10 years older than me and I kind of thought to myself, well it could happen and it wouldn’t be that terrible 🙂

  16. What a fun post! Wow, I didn’t know there were as many of you (or you either Jessiqua) that also married someone who was older. I love all the above reasons and find that most of them do ring true for us as well. He definitely appreciates me a lot,and knows how to cook pretty good too so I am often blessed on long work days to come home to a terrific meal! Society’s expectations (or even family and friends) can be hard to deal with, yes so it is good to keep in mind that it will happen, but shouldn’t have bearing on the beautiful love story that God has given you.

    1. In my situation, most people assumed that I was many years older than I am (I finished school early and had a lot of traveling and life experiences under my belt by the time I married at 22) so I have, thankfully, been able to skip “society’s expectations” for the most part.

      I can imagine that part would very frustrating though.

  17. This was lovely to read =)
    My fiancé is only 8 years older than me and right now we’re both in our 20’s, but I can still relate to some of these. Especially number seven, hahah.

  18. Aww, I loved this post. 🙂 How refreshing! I always ‘told’ myself I wanted to marry an older man, and while I just prayed for ‘a very good one’, I think my wish was granted. Looking around at my contemporaries, I do find that he’s far maturer than most of the men that I’ve met. Which could be just his personality, but I do think to some extent, it’s the 6-7 year difference between us. ^_^

    1. When I was about 13, people were constantly assuming that I was in my twenties. Needless to say, I fit in the older crowd much better than with those my age. My husband and I are a perfect fit. 🙂

  19. My fiance is 16 years older then me, I am 27 and he will be 44 when we marry. I LOVE #7. Our age difference has never bothered me, He had no problem waiting, he has never been married, or children. He knew his wife would come. I love knowing that There are many other couples out there with out situation.

  20. How fun to read this post! The ones I typically come across are about marrying young or what not. Nothing wrong with either way, but it’s nice to read it from the other perspective. There are 11 years between my husband and me and we’ve been married for 7. Right now we are in the same spot – he’s in his 40s and I’m in my 20s. 🙂

      1. Ladies, I have been a Long time/dear friend of Natasha’s!
        Her marriage- (It’s Beautiful and Very Inspiring to me!) I hope one day…I will be able to have such an A-mazing and Godly Marriage, such as the one, THE LOVE of her life and her do!”
        The two of them, Together, as One- I’m practically speechless! They’re such wonderful and truly Amazing people!!!!
        I am so Honored, that God placed Tasha in my life, when He did!
        Even though we live on opposite sides of the United States and don’t talk to each other, As much as we should… (She is and will Forever Be My Best Friend! My Kiki!)

        P.S- I Love and Miss You Tasha, and I am so Proud of you!!!!

        ~ Niki ~

  21. Natasha, have you read Debbie Pearl’s information on the three types of men and the three types of women? If so, which type(s) best describe you and your husband?

    1. I have read Debbie Pearl’s theory on the types… unfortunately, I greatly dislike that type of thing because I never feel like the descriptions fit me or my husband or my life. We’re unique, to be sure! 🙂

  23. I…TOTALLY… agree with all of these! The last one is especially precious. I read the list to my husband and he laughed and nodded the whole way through. “Someone understands!”
    There’s nineteen years between Marty and me, and this winter was our fifth anniversary. A lot of memories of our crazy courtship have been coming to the surface since I’ve been writing about it on my blog lately. I used to think that our situation really wasn’t very romantic, (my parents were highschool sweethearts themselves.) But now I’m really starting to appreciate the realistic romance that we share together every day.
    The main downside I’ve experienced to marrying someone older is society’s expectations. A lot of people speak badly about a couple with a unique age difference. So both you and your man have to grow a thick skin.
    And as much as we hate it, society’s expectations weigh on you, too. It’s easy to wonder what it would be like to be married to someone closer to your age. After all, everyone talks about it like it’s the sweetest thing.
    That said, I wouldn’t give up my older man for anything. I am cherished and appreciated and loved in a very special way. There’s something special about marrying somebody that’s been praying and longing for you since you were an oblivious kid. You get to be God’s grace personified. And that’s pretty neat. 🙂

  24. What a great article! I have been married for just over five months now, to a wonderful man that is 15 years & 3 days older than me. I think that if our age difference is the biggest difference we have, then we are doing much better than lots of other couples!! 🙂
    I LOVE #7! It is a wonderful thing to feel so adored & cherished by a man who thinks that you are the greatest gift in the world! I also value how secure & safe I feel with him because he is so mature, knowledgeable, & has a measure of financial security that a guy in his early 20’s probably wouldn’t have.
    That’s just a few things that came to me while reading your article…I can’t think of any negatives. 😉

    1. Well, congratulations! Five months is still definitely newlyweds! 🙂 My husband and I are a pretty great fit as well. Our marriage has been one of God’s greatest gifts to me.

    2. Congratulations Carmen on your 5 months, we’ve been married almost 5 months now too. 🙂 Marriage is great and our husbands are definitely good gifts from God! 🙂

      1. Its been such a blessing stumbling across this website today. I haven’t really gone around it but this page alone has blessed and encouraged me immensely. I ‘ll definitely be subscribing. I am 21 and currently seeing a 34 yrs old guy. Technically he is 12 yrs older not 13,but because my birthday is all the way in December and his in January, the moment I turn a year older, he is right behind me. lol
        He is such a great guy!my first boyfriend actually and from the looks of it going to be my last. 🙂
        I have struggled with the age difference for a while now. I prayed about us from the very beginning and so far I can say God has been faithful. However when reality started hitting me that he may very well be my husband, a kind of overwhelming fear hit me. Even though I have always been attracted to older men I was kind of scared about the disadvantages that comes with marrying someone way older, like outgrowing each other and him not being active enough to raise our kids together(especially because my parents marriage has been a nightmare and they are 15years apart). To be honest he is everything I want in a husband. Despite the age difference, we play and goof around a lot and I like that he can be my friend as well as a teacher when I need him to seeing that he has had some experiences that I am yet to have.
        But am having so much peace right now about us.
        Thanks Natasha, and everyone else for sharing. Feel so blessed.

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