I have asked Him this question many, many times this year. I ask not because I question His judgment but because His thoughts and ways are higher than mine. I cannot comprehend all of the reasons behind His doings.
“Why now, Lord?” I wondered in April, when I discovered that I was pregnant. The question was one of delight, not dismay; we had been waiting and hoping for another baby.
“Why, Lord?” I asked twice in June; once, after my dear friend called to say that her long awaited first baby had died in the womb; again, after my sister-in-law’s fourth birth ended in an emergency cesarean and a stillborn son.
The question is not an idle one, nor a rebellious one. I ask my Father because I long to know the mystery of His will, I long to grasp the fullness of the purpose that lies behind His actions, I long for my dim sight to be perfected in the light of His face. He graciously gives many answers to my wonderings in His word, but often I must go on in darkness in the face of the unexplained and incomprehensible. Some things will go unanswered until eternity, and it is then that I must trust Him without fretting, and leave the “why” to His wisdom. It is only there–in the confidence I have in His perfect judgements, and the assurance that His purposes are good and glorious–that I can rest in peace.
As Amy Carmichael said,
If I wonder why something trying is allowed,
and press for prayer that it may be removed;
if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment,
and cannot go on in peace under any mystery,
then I know nothing of Calvary Love.
On November 14, 2006, the pain was too deep, the blow too sharp, for my reeling mind to even begin to ask “why.” I could only weep over the still form of our baby girl, our precious Roseanna Kari, as my Father took to Himself the daughter born only one day before.
In the days that followed, the questions echoed repeatedly through my soul. Why was her life so short? Why must she have suffered so in that one brief day? Why were we not allowed to hold her longer? Even now, most of them remain unanswered. The doctors could not pinpoint a reason behind her death.
Roseanna is gone. It remains to me to go on under this mystery, leaving all of the churning “what if’s” and “if only’s” with my Father. I give Him, too, all of the uncertainties and fears that shadow the future. He knows all that has passed, and all that lies ahead. Nothing can touch me, but what He allows. Though the storm blow fiercely and the night be black about me, in Him is peace for the present and light enough for the next step of the way.
Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements, and His ways past finding out!… For of Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things: to Whom be glory for ever. Amen (Romans 11:33, 36).