The Promise
May I be honest?
“The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth” is that—take a deep breath—the pain of singleness is real…deep…persistent.
I hate to admit it, but when I was in my teens, I whined about singleness. I wanted to marry “my childhood sweetheart.” I didn’t, actually, have such a guy in my life. I wanted to marry right out of school. I didn’t, obviously, considering that I’m writing this article! And way back then, it was tough dealing with frustrated desires of the heart and I whined—at my Jesus, to my parents and my friends, in my diary.
Now—in my mid-twenties—I try hard not to whine! (I want to stress that fact!) But it’s still tough dealing with frustrated desires of the heart.
Really tough.
Really, really, really tough.
Like I said, the pain is real…deep…persistent.
I’m surprised at how real it is. It’s not “just” a sense of emotional yearning, it’s a physical pain. It’s so deep (and personal), it’s hard to express. And it’s so persistent, it’s hard to forget.
When a friend starts dating or courting or, more often in my circle of friends, gets married or has a baby (or another baby), I’m so happy for her, but not-so-happy for little ol’ ME!
I was just looking at the pictures of one of my dearest friends and her young man at a ball. They are the cutest couple ever. I’m so totally, ridiculously happy for her I couldn’t stop smiling the whole time I was looking at the pictures! But…the whole time I was looking at the pictures, I was thinking about MY as-yet-unknown young man—wondering who he is and where he is at this moment…wanting him at my side…missing him in my heart. Moments like these—the news that a young couple have fallen in love, the sight of an old couple holding hands, the chance to cuddle a baby (not my own)—bring tears to my eyes.
And I wonder…why?
I don’t know why God allows the pain of singleness. The pain seems so pointless. But there’s more to singleness than the pain in my heart.
In Philippians 1:6, Paul says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” I love this verse. I feel as if God has a LOT to do to perfect in me “a good work”—the good work of conforming me to the image of my Jesus. In Romans 8:29, Paul says, “For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His son…” How wonderful is it that God has predestined me to become conformed to the image of His Son—my Jesus. In Philippians 2:13 Paul says, “For it is God who is at work in you both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” And in Romans 8:28 Paul says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
Do you see?
Do you understand?
The pain of singleness is one of the things that God uses to perfect the good work He has begun in me and to conform me to the image of my Jesus.
He uses the pain for good.
He uses the tears for good.
He uses the soul-ache for good.
He uses them to conform me to the image of the One who knows and loves me best—who knows the pain and understands the tears. I promise. More to the point, He promises. He’s making you like Him and He’s using the pain of singleness to transform you, so you are radiant with Him.
But He doesn’t just promise to transform you; He promises something even more wonderful:
I am with you always, even to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)
Almost two thousand years after He uttered those words, do you believe the promise? It was made by your Jesus. Believe it—believe Him.
When the pain of singleness is overwhelming and feels pointless (not to mention endless!), remember that your Jesus is with you in the midst of the singleness. In the midst of the pain. In the midst of the ups and downs–joys and sorrows–of your life.
The pain is real.
But the promise is real, too. Your Jesus is with you … always. Forever.
Thank you so much for this article. Even after two years of writing it, it sure does inspire and encourage. God will turn everything for my good.
Thank you so much for writing this article…in fact I’ve printed it off so that I can read over it in the future! 🙂 It is one that greatly encouraged me, I’ve been excited to see some singles writing what they are going through. By God’s grace He can help us through whatever comes our way.
Oh my! The ways that ressonated in my heart was amazing. The LORD was definitely speaking through you. Thank you! It is very painful, but HE is worth it. He is forming us and making us into who He wants us to be. Recently, as I was pouring my heart out in prayer to our Father, I was asking Him to help me desire Him more than anything else.
What is the true desire of your heart? To be like Him or to be with him ( the earthly man)? As hard as it is, I would rather be like my LORD and have Him in my life than be blessed with a husband. It is a hard realization, but it is what I cling to when those moments of “excruciating pain” seem unbearable.
Pressing Into Him,
Maiden Princess
Yes, you may be honest! 🙂 Thank you for being so. God has graciously given me dear friends so that I know I am not alone in the struggle, but I always appreciate reading what God has laid on another’s heart to share. Thank you, too, for reminding us that the pain is sanctifying…the hurt and questions drive us to Jesus, and seeing Him, hearing Him, knowing Him is worth the cost. I needed that reminder!
Thank you for being so real and honest and I am sure that many of here at YLCF really appreciate this article coming from a fellow single.
So many whys and perhaps never any answers…but this I know, that this state does draw one to the Lord like nothing else. Because we must depend on Him.
That verse in Philippians has become a mainstay for me these past few months too.
Great post! I too have known that “soul-ache” that comes from protracted singleness. Now happily married, I still don’t know the WHY about waiting so long, the reason for the pain, and the fruitful years that I spent alone. But I do know this…God is faithful to do the best for us. Not everyone who waits and endures singleness will later go on to marry. Those of us who do marry later may go on to struggle with other equally deep soul-aches such as infertility or other issues, as we have done.
The point is, that the pain we’re given to bear, is given to us to grow us and mold us into the person He wants us to be…to fit us better for our heavenly home. It may seem easy for me to now say these things, since I am now married, but actually marriage does not in itself confer happiness or eternal bliss or an absence of pain. While I was single for so long, I struggled with that particular pain. Now that I am married, I struggle with new, unforeseen sources of pain that can be every bit as exquisite as the pain of singleness. So, pain is part of life, no matter the source. Learning to handle it, letting it mold us for our betterment, and truly leaning on God for His peerless satisfaction through it is the important thing.
And one last encouragement….reallly, don’t EVER give up! God can do the incredible….He is able to bring streams into the desert and make a way where there isn’t one. He literally gave me a truly miraculous opportunity to meet and marry my husband–when we tell our story, people are always in disbelief at God’ s clear hand in it and the total improbability of it all. I grew up on one side of the world, free and comfortable, while my husband grew up on the other side of the world, oppressed under Communism and barely with the necessities of life. We grew up to meet and marry 30-something years later through a very “broken” road…I’m still in shock myself when I stop to ponder how God provided a husband for me out of nowhere. (One note I’ll emphasize is that we did NOT meet online. Some people assume that when they learn we are from different countries. I have no problem with proper online relationships, I just wanted to clarify that God defied serious odds to allow us to meet). The story is too long and winding to share in this context, but after that happened to me, I can say without doubt that I KNOW God moves on our behalf and hears our heart’s desires. So keep your faith and keep your sweet hopes and proper desires for a husband…..God bless you!!!
Amen! Thanks for this encouragement… it’s good to know others feel the same way.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. (Romans 8:8)
Try being single at mid-30-s, or mid-40-s or mid-50-s
Until you totally surrender all things to God, especially desires of the heart (especially marriage), the pain will be so very real and everything you said. When you surrender and leave the decision to give you a family entirely to God, there will be no more pain, just peace and joy in the Lord, through the Holy Spirit – I’m talking from personal experience, and from other older Christian single women!
Pain so intense, no matter the origin of it, is primarily caused by the fact that we don’t surrender to God, to His ways, to His decisions, that we don’t crown Him REALLY the LORD of everything we are. The answer is …..simple, but it takes everything to implement it personally.
Blessings,
Teo
I don’t think it’s safe to say that surrender is going to alleviate the pain of our longings. One of the characteristics of these ‘Shadowlands’ we’re all passing through on our way to Heaven is that joy and pain are our constant companions. The paradox is everywhere: we are home, but not ‘at Home’; we are filled with all the good things of God’s good Spirit, and yet we are hungry for what we’ve never yet tasted; we are citizens of another kingdom, but we still have to live with the limitations and the sufferings of exile caused by the Fall. Pain embraced–not luxuriated in or coddled over but truly embraced in the faith of God’s love and goodness–makes our joy real. In-transient in a transient world. Surrender may or may not remove the sting–I’m glad that has been your experience. But the presence of pain–certainly pain that is not of our own making–can’t be written off as an evidence that Christ is not really Lord in our lives. That would mean that the mother of Jesus was not surrendered: “And a sword shall pierce your own heart…”
I wish it were that simple. Life can seem messy and complicated at times. But the wonder is that we *can* have a heart that is suffused with Joy and pierced through with Pain at the very same time. And that somehow God can be glorified in our lives in the midst of it.
In the words of the apostle Paul: “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
To ALnier,
I agree with what you said. I didn’t mean that there will be no suffering at all if we totally surrender to God! Pain will be our companion all our lives in this fallen world.
I was not talking about pain as illness, death, dissapointment, sin etc.
I was talking about suffering because YOUR personal DESIRES are not met by God! If you surrender your desires and hopes and dreams, to your LORD, and not pretend that He should do things the way you want, then there will be no frustration, dissapointment, ot intense pain anymore – that is my case. Longing to love and be loved is deep in human soul, but it can be manifested and fulfilled with family, friends and Christian fellowship, if God doesn’t provide a husband!
Blessings,
Teo
I’m glad this has been your experience. But it doesn’t follow that it will be the experience of everyone. Surrender does not guarantee the alleviation of desire any more than a faithful prayer for healing will ensure the removal of the pain of illness. Sometimes God chooses to be glorified in the way that you describe; at other times the very pain of our desire becomes a precious goad that drives us to the feet of Jesus and keeps us there.
It’s unsound to hold up the lessening of desire as a requisite hallmark of surrender–it’s only part of a beautiful and multi-colored tapestry of God’s unique dealings with His children. But if God is glorified in our lives, I think we can rest content with that. Paul said he was content whether “well fed or hungry”–hunger pangs and all.
This will be my last comment on the topic, since it seems we re moving in circle!
YES, surrender does not guarantee the alleviation of desire or suffering!!! Is the fact that OUR DESIRES, HOPES AND DREAMS, OUR SUFFERINGS AND PAIN ARE ALL SURRENDED TO GOD! It’s about denying your ego, about death of self, and Jesus being Lord over….the most part of you. It’s about the perspective you get on life, personal desires and suffering, once you have moved forward in your self-denial and in your practical surrender to God!
Jesus said that denying yourself should be the general experience for Christians.
So….it shoudn’t be just mine!
But I guess you don’t completely understand, until you live it! This is indeed the advantage of personal experience with God.
We don’t have to agree, Teo! 🙂 I sincerely respect the life of joy and peace that you describe, and the 50+ years of experience you have with it. That is a commendable and beautiful thing.
But for the sake of our readers, I can’t let it pass that the continuance of desire is incompatible with a surrendered heart. We’re speaking here within the context of surrender–a surrender presupposed by the essence of this article and by the hearts expressed in the comments. Perseverance of a God-given desire under such circumstances has nothing of the arms-folded-pouting-at-God look about it. Quite the contrary.
The witness of Scripture is that desire–fulfilled or unfulfilled–is a great device in the hands of God to lure us into everything we’ve been created for in personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The fact that this is not always the result does not make it less true. Absolute surrender to Jesus of our whole selves–both once and continually–is non-optional for the believer. He always asks that we give up ourselves. He doesn’t always require that we give up our desires.
The desire of the righteous is only good… Proverbs 11:23
Thanks so much for this very candid, real, and encouraging article. It is so true! Thanks for being a blessing. 🙂
Wow – thank you. I am almost 14 and that still makes me think… I appreciate that you are faithful – the man who finds you will have a treasure! I will have to refer this post to some of my friends…
God bless!
Thank you so much for this.
May the Lord continue to use you, Elisabeth! As one who has lived through “the pain”… I understand.
“Women of Promise” was actually started when I was living through “the pain” as a way of me saying, “Okay, God… I believe. I’m giving everything.” And now, looking back, I am STUNNED at God’s faithfulness! I knew he would be… I just didn’t know that the whole journey would be so beautiful.
Many prayers and thousands of blessings,
Natasha
Thank you for confronting this issue head-on, instead of dancing around it or denying it’s existence. God is working through you in mighty ways, I am confident of this!
Keep writing and trusting…
Abbie 🙂
You just spoke my heart.
Thank you for voicing your thoughts I know they ministered to me and I am sure thousads of other young ladies as well who are waiting for God to show them their prince. And knows exactly how that “pain” feels!
Ginger~
This was beautiful… and so true! Thank you for sharing your heart… I feel so keenly your heart and thoughts on this. Thank you!
~Joanna
Thank you so much for this post. Yes, the pain of singleness can be frustrating. I have a hard time understanding why I have been single for over 23 some odd years? It is still mind baffling. This part of my life is the one part now I have trouble coming to grips with. Sometimes I wonder where is God in all this? Why is he so silent on this matter? Sometimes I enjoy being single and sometimes I get annoyed. Thats where I can just talk to God. I know he is listening, but there is that lingering fear.
Thanks for being so candid! I always tell myself I’m “okay” and just waiting patiently, but the pain is definitely there. I can’t think of another area of my life where I have been so challenged over and over again to trust in the Lord and let go of my own will.
Thank you very much for writing! Your description of the difficulty and pain of singleness is so accurate…and I needed the reminder of the promises of Jesus.
Thank you so much for this. It is so hard to remember that God truly does mean all things for good, so hard to remember that God is shaping me through the pain of my single years, so hard to remember that Jesus is truly my first love and is with me always.