by Emily Chance
It had been a roller coaster of a relationship. Or, an almost relationship. We had been friends for a long time, “more than friends” for even longer and yet the timing was never right. Never, until now.
I went through my life knowing that he’d always be there for me. After all, he always had. And who else would he have but me? I was riddled with doubt and insecurity for years, wondering if I should go ahead and commit. After all, neither of us were getting any younger and we both knew we wanted to get married. But the months seemed somehow to turn into years and my fear of commitment was my most constant companion.
Finally one day, I started thinking about our friendship. I started thinking about all the ways he was exactly what I’d always wanted. I remembered the times he’d been there for me when no one else had. I marveled at how faithful he was, how sweet and steady. Like a bolt of lightning, I realized I had been blind. Why weren’t we together? Why hadn’t we been together all along?
That was a Wednesday. I spent the rest of that week asking myself how I could’ve been such a fool. Was I just dumb? Too proud? Holding onto some unrealistic expectation of someone else coming along who would be better in some way? I laughed. And I made plans in my heart.
That Monday, my sister came home from a trip. She stopped by my house and I thought that this might be my opportunity to tell her about my revelation. I wanted to get one last opinion before I approached the guy. After all, this had been a long time coming and I was a little concerned that I was going crazy. But crazy or not, this was what I wanted, I was finally sure of it. And yet, what was that in my sister’s eyes? She pulled me aside and I felt my heart stop beating. What could she have to say that was more important than what I was dying to tell her?
The words hit my ears and bounced off. I couldn’t believe them. I walked into the bathroom and stared out the window. Tears filled my eyes and I turned around. My sister was gone and with her, my plans and my hope. My knees hit the bathmat. I put my palms on the cold tile and watched the tears splash down. I prayed that I would have strength. I shook my head, shocked. He was in a relationship and I was gutted.
How could God’s timing have been anymore painful? I mean, I had just realized for the first time in my life that I was really in love and ready to commit to someone, and at the same time, he was on a totally different wavelength. What had I been missing? Had I been hearing from God at all?
And yet, a few months have passed and I see now that, as painful as that timing was, I wasn’t abandoned in that moment. I felt alone and betrayed, but in reality, God was very near. And His timing was, despite my pain, perfect. What if I had gone ahead and approached my guy friend and told him exactly how I felt? Surely that would’ve been a disaster I didn’t see coming. And what if we had been together all along and he just now met this girl? What would that have done to our relationship?
No, the timing wasn’t pleasant. And no, I haven’t since met the man of my dreams and seen the fulfillment and conclusion of all my pain and patience. Some days I still get choked up thinking of what might’ve been. But I see that God’s timing really is best. He allowed me to have that “revelation” and to go through that loss and I am already starting to see reasons why.
I am not trying to say that, if I had a man, I wouldn’t be close to God. But I am saying that, since going through that loss, I am closer to than God than before. I feel a great peace and satisfaction in knowing that God is paying close attention to my life and guiding me, even through valleys of humility and sorrow.
A few months ago, God’s timing seemed cruel. Today, I am so glad I was able to trust Him through it all. What I saw as evil, God intended for good, and good is what I’m receiving.