My quiet time that day started out like any other. A quick prayer left my lips for God to bless my heart as I sought Him. I opened the Bible study book I was currently working through. And an eye-opening, heart-rending hour began.
Many times, I was tempted to close my Bible, say “Amen,” and leave. My heart was being probed to its deepest, darkest depths. I squirmed uncomfortably as the Word and Jesus’ gentle whisper proceeded to peel back layer after sticky layer from my soul. Wounds I had thought were taken care of long ago resurfaced. Though I had thought those scars were healed, I had really only been ignoring them. Attitudes I wasn’t aware I possessed were revealed to be causing a rift in my growth as a child of God. It was an exhausting time. Near the end of the hour, I felt extremely violated.
“Why is it that I feel this way?” I thought. “Why am I squirming as the Lord searches my heart? Is it because I am coming up short? What other outcome did I expect? Isn’t this what I want, for my pursuit of Jesus Christ to be free, unhindered of the baggage that is weighing me down?”
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,” I prayed (Psalm 139:23-24).
How about you? Have you ever had the Lord whisper softly to your heart that all was not as it should be and you only shifted uncomfortably in your seat?
God was trying to pull down the walls around my heart that morning, but I was busy thwarting Him, erecting even higher ones. Afraid of being vulnerable before God, I had decided that I wasn’t going to let Him get too close. I didn’t think I could trust Him with my secrets. I didn’t want to trust Him to heal and free me from those walls because I thought I could handle things myself.
When I acknowledged that there were indeed walls around my heart and I needed Him to pull them down, at last, the walls fell.
I allowed God to free me from everything that stood between my heart and His. I surrendered my “I can fix this myself” attitude and let God lead me on the first steps towards healing.
It is a bumpy road, but one of joy, because high walls no longer block the light of the Son. Won’t you join me on it?