Courtship DTR
We live in a fallen world. One of the evidences of this is that we really have no adequate term to describe the way in which young Christian men and women should get together. Perhaps some time after Christians return to a more obedient practice, we will have been doing it long and well enough to be able to name whatever it is we are doing.
In the meantime, we must use such terms as we have, hence, biblical courtship or biblical dating. We must reject the pattern of abdication, disobedience, and sexual immorality which we see all around us; hence, our rejection of recreational dating, or the modern dating system.
But in doing this, we are bound to use whatever terms we select in a qualified sense. Some couple who “date” are in closer conformity with biblical principles than other couples who embrace the “courtship” model. So in this book I shall routinely refer to courtship, or biblical courtship, and sometimes to biblical dating. If a courting couple goes on a date, we should not all panic and relegate this horror to the same category as nation rising up against nation, or kingdom against kingdom. The end is not yet.
-Douglas Wilson, Her Hand In Marriage (book not endorsed by ylcf.org)
My cousins called me the “Pintship Preacher.” At the ripe old age of thirteen, I was an absolute believer in courtship. The only problem was (in retrospect), believing in courtship presents a slight problem when you aren’t exactly of courting age. I soon learned to term it “waiting instead of dating”. But that really raised the eyebrows of the people who already doubted I’d find a husband in our small town. I told them God knew who my husband was and I was waiting on Him to bring us together.
Well, God turned out to be a pretty good matchmaker. He even found me a guy who had also grown up homeschooled and believed in courtship. Well, sort of. In reality, the young man who became my husband had the old-fashioned belief that God was the ultimate Author on the subject of relationships. In fact, I think Merritt had only read about one other book on the topic in his life. (Almost shocking to a girl who read little else.)
Not only that, but he shattered half the preconceived notions and “convictions” I’d had about romance and relationships. He did ask my dad permission to “court” me. He even got my dad’s permission before he put a ring on my finger. But the “perfect formula” of a guy talking to my dad before I’d ever noticed the guy existed? I know it does happen, but it was certainly not the way God wrote our story. And let me tell you, God writes better loves stories than I could ever dream up, even my wildest imaginations.
Elisabeth could tell you all about it. She’s the official “courtship story link collector” for ylcf.org. But sometimes, when she writes a couple asking for permission to share the link to their story, we have to laugh at their surprised responses: “We never really considered our relationship a courtship…”
I refer to the time when Merritt officially had my dad’s permission to court me as our “courtship.” My mother and grandmother use the same word to describe the years leading up to their marriages—many years before Joshua Harris was born! In fact, not even Bill Gothard originated the word courtship. (And both Joshua Harris and Bill Gothard have admitted to learning a thing or two since they first starting using the C-word. I have, too.)
A few generations earlier, in the year 1828, Noah Webster defined courtship as: “the act of wooing in love, soliciting a woman to marriage.” Thus, those same couples who are shocked we want to use their love story on our courtship stories page realize that their story actually does fit the definition of the word “courtship”—at least in our favorite dictionary. “We never really considered our relationship a courtship…though by your definition, it seems to meet the criteria quite nicely,” agreed one such couple.
When I was a teenager, just as all the internet abbreviations like LOL were being added to our vocabulary, there was another new one, that didn’t (necessarily) have anything to do with the web: DTR. It’s a conversation known as “Define The Relationship”, initiated by either party, in an effort to determine where the relationship is going. Maybe it’s time for us to have a DTR about the word “courtship.” Or rather, an un-DTR.
The truth is, courtship is not about what you call it. It is not even about how you do it. As much as we want our daughters to have godly, pure, Christ-honoring relationships, we don’t plan to raise them to believe in “courtship.” The word “courtship” is subject to definition. “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,” does not need any definition. If you’re looking for a DTR, there it is, right in Ephesians 4:32. And for further explanation, see Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled.”
Call your relationship whatever you like. But whether you court, date, betroth, or dort, do it all to the glory of God!
Meanwhile, we’ll be sticking with the word “courtship” (of Noah Webster’s definition) to describe the memorial stones of God’s faithfulness that we’ve collected here on ylcf.org: the stories of how God brought each man and woman together in His own way, in His own time.
I’m an ardent fan of (and believer in!) Christ-centered relationships and purity in such, but I’m not a fan of formulas, plans, or even, sometimes, books giving the so-called “how-to,” unless they are strictly adhering to the basic principles found in God’s Word…
My biggest pet peeve lies in the “terms” debate. “No, I’m not dating him,” they say. “We are courting.” Oh, thank you… that’s clear as mud. The very terms mean so little anymore; they’ve been twisted to mean so many very, very different things.
Who cares what we call it? And who cares–really–how it all plays out? As long as God is leading, guiding, directing and being sought every step of the way… it’s all good. God doesn’t work by formula. He works by principle.
-Ashleigh in “So do we call it ‘courtship’ or is it ‘dating’?” at Heart & Home (follow the link to read the rest of Ashleigh’s thoughts and all the great discussion that followed her post)
Very interesting thoughts, thanks so much for sharing your insight! 🙂 We’ve always called it courtship in our family, as for us, it defines from the family who all have dated, so it works for us. 😉 But in blogging I’ve met lot’s who call it differently, even don’t have the same beleifs in hand-holding, etc. as I do, yet have had godly relationships and marriages. 🙂
Gotta love Douglas Wilson! That man has a lot of wisdom to offer.
I agree that it really doesn’t matter what you call “it”. It’s how you act, you how behave etc.. that truly matters. Actions speak louder than words.
Are you honoring each other with your relationship?
Are you honoring your parents, listening to their advice etc? But most importantly, are you honoring God with your relationship? Does that person better your relationship with God or worsen it? All good questions to ask myself…
I’m a firm believer that if it’s His will, He won’t keep it a secret from you. And He certainly won’t tell you one thing and tell your loved ones another.
SO true! Thank you for posting this! I know all too many people who have this “formula for the perfect courtship,” and it is ridiculously irritating- who cares what you call it? I will be attending college, and thus will not be fitting their formula for courtship- I will be “dating,” but with a purpose and high standards. What truly matters is that Christ is at the center of it all. Thank you!
Amen. Oh goodnes…AMEN. 🙂
So true! Thanks!
“Names” don’t mean much… it’s the principle and God’s will that counts! And being in the center of His will is the very best place to be 🙂
Very true! Thanks for the reminder!
Thank-you. I appreciate that attitude.
It seems like you all condemn courtship(a strict relationship) and the resove not to kiss before marriage and such. It is all right to want to do the courtship thing; it is just not okay to act like it is wrong for others to have different ideas about relationships(something it almost seems like you all are doing.
Quite the contrary. 🙂 If you take a peek through the Courtship Stories index (http://ylcf.org/courtship-stories/), you will see how excited we are about all of the different ways and means God has at His disposal to bring people together into godly marriages.
I think I can speak for Gret in saying that we’re not condemning anything but condemnation itself. 🙂
Amen, Lanier.
Thank-you for writing this!
This is something I have been thinking about recently, as I watch my friends’ relationships develop, and realise that ‘dating’ is no less Biblical than ‘courtship’, if God is at the centre of the relationship. It has been a real eye-opener, and I am so thankful that God has shown me this, to get rid of my legalism, and stop me judging people for the way they choose to do life.
Great post, Gretchen, I really appreciated your thoughts…I found them very interesting and insightful, and I agree with you, that there is really no set in concrete, gotta do it this way method on “courtship” “dating” or whatever.
Thanks!
Thanks for that. Too many times I read legalistic views on Courtship. If I decide to date, I do want to do it where God is involved somehow. I almost got lost in the legalistic views that may have hindered me in this special area of my life. I believe every relationship is different. Courtship differs among many. I just think if God is the center of your relationship, then everything will be okay. If God wants me to marry, then he will send me my man. If not, its okay.
Good post, Gretchen! I am curious to know why YLCF doesn’t endorse ‘Her Hand In Marriage’? I’ve never read it…I’m now wondering if there’s a difference between recommending & endorsing??
Gretchen, I have always been very encouraged by your views on here regarding courtship. When I was growing up in the home-school community, it was very easy to get an extremely legalistic view of what courtship should look like. I know that the YLCF has helped me tremendously in getting more of a biblical balance. It is easy to try to measure up to what everyone else expects of you rather than God’s standards.
I am now dating/courting a wonderfully godly man who had never really heard of courtship. I know if I had still held to my more legalistic views of courtship, I would have missed out on the most wonderful blessing of my life. Did he ask my dad if he could court me? No–he didn’t know he was supposed to! But since then, he has spent so much effort trying to honor my parents in this, and has “wooed” me in such a beautiful way. You know, there is nothing more romantic than being pursed by a man who has been in love with the wife he had yet to meet for the past 10 years! He has been trusting the Lord to bring the right woman into his life, and he has been pouring all of his love into the Lord and into saving his heart for his wife. Just because he doesn’t call it “courtship” doesn’t mean that it isn’t biblically based. I have been overwhelmed at times by the strength of character my man has shown in leading this relationship God’s way. So girls–don’t give up on a man just because he may not follow the courtship “plan”. God has a much more perfect plan for you than anyone else could create.
I havent read it yet only because I’m making dinner at the moment. But I can’t wait to! I just wrote a speech on Christian courtship vs. dating for home school speech. I am very much a believer in Christian courtship and keeping yourself pure.
Oh, thank you for putting together all of these links! I was rereading “Passion and Purity” the other day and feeling convicted about the need to glorify God in this area of my life!