The Reflection of Femininity
Like most girls, I grew up with the dream of being a beautiful princess. Except, my image of femininity was less Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, more Queen Lucy of Narnia, Anne of Green Gables, and Josephine March. They were strong women who were far from being just ornamental: they had a passion, a calling—and they were fulfilling it. Their attire, their demeanor, their femininity was a reflection of who they were. And so was mine—I was Daddy’s little girl, with two long red braids, wearing gloves and his too-big hats to help him cut firewood; Mommy’s helper, doing dishes in my own apron, and pretty dresses on Sundays—until I began to respond to the pressure of my peers.
It was a different kind of peer pressure than we were reading about in the homeschool magazines: but it came right off those pages. One day I got a girls’ publication and read one person’s definition of modesty. I jumped on the bandwagon and wore nothing but skirts and dresses, except for rare occasions like when I was once again Daddy’s girl hunting by his side.
Yes, I got comments. Yes, I stood out in the crowd. But not always in a good way. I had forgotten that frumpiness is not equal to godliness. I had forgotten that pride in my modest attire would stand in the way of relationships with others who didn’t dress like I did. I was “dressing” for the wrong reasons.
It took a close-up view of the battles in another family’s home over the “skirt issue” for me to see how easily it could become more about rules (and pride) than about modesty and femininity. And it took many months and years for me to learn to be who God made me to be, rather than who some others thought I should be.
Femininity is not something you can put on, but rather a reflection of an inner beauty. And that beauty, that femininity is something that nothing can take away—not the mud and sweat of honest labor, nor the bloody scars of being stripped and beaten for the cause of Christ. Nothing can take away the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). That “set-apart femininity” is what I strive for.
originally published in an interview for Feelin’ Feminine
Well said, darlin’.
Been there, done that… The skirts only phase didn’t last too long—my farmer Daddy didn’t want me getting wrapped up in a PTO shaft or some such. And climbing up into a tractor in a skirt in windy South Dakota can be less than modest. 馃檪 I had to smile over the recollection this afternoon as I climbed carefully into the tractor wearing a skirt—it is possible to do a lot in a dress. But a skirt isn’t necessary to being a woman, or being Godly, or being feminine. As you said, it’s more about whom I’m trying to please—my God and my husband, or else the world or some false selfish pride.
Thanks, Gretchen!
Excellent post, Gretchen! It is sad that ‘good’ Christian girls are so often characterized by their ill-fitting, drab colored clothing – and for what purpose? How does ugliness or frumpiness glorify our beautiful, holy, creative God? Isn’t He the One who created beauty?
With any standard that we set for ourselves, comes the temptation to self-righteousness, and that has been clearly evident in my life, time and time again. I don’t wear ‘those kind of shoes’ (for example), therefore, in my heart I look down on and condemn people who do. Pride creeps in, and my standard becomes a corrupted thing, used only to stroke my own self-esteem, and tear down fellow Christians.
However, like everything else in life, this subject needs some balance. As Christians, we need to be careful not to react to our mistakes, and swing in the opposite direction, but instead to seek God’s face and find out what HE says on the subject. Is it wrong to have standards? No. I honestly believe standards are a necessity of life. We all have limitations we set for ourselves (people who have no limits are miserable). We have a time we wake up in the morning, a certain kind of movie we won’t watch, words we won’t say, attitudes we refuse to indulge in. Standards are good. To treat them like the bad guy is to ignore the real issue. The problem was never our standards, in the first place! It was the condition of our hearts, and even if we eliminate the standard, the problem is essentially still there. So instead of becoming one of those “I wear skirts and you don’t, therefore you must be wrong” kind of people, we become the “I’ve learned to let go of my standards, and you haven’t, therefore you must be wrong” type. Same thing. Just a different side of the coin. What we need to do, as young ladies, is to humble ourselves before God, and let Him give us a ‘make-over’ in our hearts. Then we can focus on those faulty (sometimes silly) outward standards, and ask ourselves the serious question, “Does my appearance truly give GOD the glory? Or does it seek to emphasis ME in any way? MY body? MY hair? MY spirituality?”
Amen to that, Joanna! Great perspective.
It is easy to look so closely at sin and forget God’s original intent. Why were women given particular attributes not given to men? As Christians,we often reserve all femininity for marriage enjoyment only. Does it have no purpose outside of marriage? I recently read the book “For Women Only”. In the book it does talk about why our modesty is important for the Godliness of men. At the same time it describes how important a wifes appearance (loveliness) is to her husbands reputation. Your loveliness reflects on his worthiness and others will judge him based on your outward appearance and inner character. I remember when I was back in highschool, several of my male friends said they would much rather see a girl all dressed up than in a bikinni. I think the devil wants to trip us up one way or another if we choose not to believe the worlds lie of sex appeal, then he will offer us another one. I believe christian women can use their feminine loveliness to build up the men around them. Not all women will become married, but we are all accountable for how we used the gifts God gave us. And as far as pride, when we look at other women who may not yet understand God’s design for them, we can say “except by the grace of God that would be me”.
Thanks for this. I went through a stage like this – except in the opposite way… I went through a stage where I absolutely hated skirts and dresses (though my parents insisted we wear them for church). Years later, I hardly wear trousers anymore (except for hikes, exercise etc).. in fact, I prefer skirts. It’s funny how we can change our outlook on things!
Great post, Gretchen. Femininity is really about so much more than a dress-code, because in the end things such as dress are material things. They can be taken from us at any moment. Women such as Edith Stein might have been stripped of exteriors in Auschwitz, but their femininity was something that came from their being. If it is the essence of what we are as women, that it transcends the incidentals such as a particular kind of clothing.
Amen!! Thanks for sharing this, Gretchen. It is so true!
I went through the very same peer pressure. And I am very grateful God has shown me that femininity and modesty is so much more than something you wear and a strict dress code. I struggled for years to fit in and look so ‘modest’ yet totally frumpy.
I see the exact same thing, rules and pride in our “righteous attire.” (I was there too!). I thank God for a lovely Mom who portrays godly femininity and beauty who has been an amazing example to me.
Blessings!