“Giving Your Heart Away”
by Anna of Hope Road Blog
The concept of “giving you heart away” is one that I have been familiar with since high school, and I have gone from embracing it wholeheartedly to questioning it. The idea is that with each dating/courting relationship, and even each crush, that you allow yourself to become involved with, you are giving a piece of your heart away to that person. The danger is that you will, metaphorically speaking of course, give so many pieces of your heart away that when you finally get married you will have nothing left for your spouse. And this, we are told, is the reason we should exercise discernment and caution in dating relationships.
Now, I agree with certain aspects of this theory:
- Discernment and caution are extremely important in dating relationships.
- It is, of course, possible to connect physically and/or emotionally with someone in a way that can leave scars and regrets.
- Being involved in a long series of serious relationships is a bad idea.
- Each person you become emotionally involved with will leave his or her mark on your heart.
- Many dating relationships today are characterized by emotional intimacy that is too much, too soon.
So on the surface, this idea does seem to have merit, and I think the intention behind it is good and solid. But these are the two problems I have with it:
This kind of approach seems to demand “a perfect score” in dating – that you should only become emotionally attached to one person, your future spouse. It can place guilt on a failed relationship that may have failed for all the right reasons – because two godly people decided that they could not honor God well in that relationship. It places pressure on people to wait for someone perfect, and perhaps even to stay in a wrong relationship because they are so afraid of failing. It places blame on non-sinful emotional connections. This is just not realistic in so many ways. Emotional purity does not necessarily mean that your emotions are a blank slate and that you have never loved (in a romantic sense).
This kind of approach can deemphasize the power of the gospel – yes, you read that right. First, a disclaimer: I am not saying that everyone who believes in the “pieces of your heart” theory is trying to downplay the power of the gospel. I just think that this theory tends in a harmful direction. Why do we behave as though this area of life is the only one that Jesus can’t restore and renew? Why do we say that the heart will be forever scarred and broken if we give pieces away before we’re ready? Jesus is the mender of broken lives. That is why He came. If we say that you’re giving pieces of your heart away to everyone you date, we’re saying that you’re doing permanent damage, that Jesus is not powerful enough to make all things new again. And we’re afraid of saying anything else because we don’t want people to think, “Oh, well, Jesus will forgive me. I can date as many people as I want with no repercussions.” But that’s not what the gospel is about, is it? It’s not a license to live without discernment and wisdom – it’s freely offered grace, in this area of life as in every other.
In conclusion, I think that dating relationships should always be approached with caution, prayer, and wisdom – but not with fear and anxiety about making a mistake and scarring our hearts irreparably.
wow, This is right on. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thats awesome- nothing is to hard for Jesus to fix, and his blood is sufficient for us in every way!
Wow this was so great to read almost 1 year later..so much wisdom in this one, aww I loved this!! it was great for me to read this now, because i am single 🙂
I may print it out too for future use 🙂
thank you!
Blessings & HUGS!
In His Love, Jane.
Thanks so much! I have been searching for an explanation like this! 😀
I just founf this today and … wow, does it speak to where I am TODAY. Thank you for writing, Anna … and posting, YLCF. I appreciate this SO much. Blessings!
I’m so glad to see that someone else is thinking this way! 🙂 Never approach anything with fear because God “gave us a spirit of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7 And that includes relationships. “To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” – Bertrand Russell.
In Him, Ingrid
We also tend to forget that there are broken hearts from other relationships than romantic ones. “Keep your heart with diligence, from it flow the springs of life” Proverbs tells us. Ah, but the only true way to keep it is to entrust it to Jesus–knowing that sometimes He asks us to risk our hearts in loving–even as He did. And sometimes even His perfect heart is broken through rejection. To love as Jesus loved–sacrificially–is the only way to keep our heart in Him, and the best way to approach any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Thanks for bringing this topic up!
Blessings,
Abigail @ Pearls and Diamonds
ya this was good. I have myself tried to be incontrol too much, like you mentioned putting up standards that are higher even than God’s standards… sometimes we can’t live life in perfect little lines…we cannot be little “perfect” christians… I think we do that sometimes so we won’t mess up but maybe more importantly so we really don’t haveta trust God with this issue, because that’s scary, cuz alot of the time we don’t know the end of the outcome.
It’s easier to look at someone from far away and check off the reasons of why it won’t work and try and figure it out quickly than to slowly get to know someone and have an attraction and not know if he will “be the one” but to trust God with it every step of the way. (I know I’m wired to care for the guys I get crushes on very quickly…) and He is trustworthy to help and guide and guard me…I can’t protect myself in a sense. I AM NOT IN CONTROL! of my life:)
Cuz we can’t plan our lives and figure everything out from the start. When we put too many guidelines on an issue (guidelines that God didn’t even set up) we take away (or try to) our need to really TRUST God with our hearts and desires.
Thank you this was good for me to read!
-learning to trust in the midst of not knowing, Marie
This post meant so much to me right now!!! This past Summer I was in a relationship with a young man. Everything seemed the way it should be my parents were overjoyed I was happy I felt the Lord was calling me into a relationship with him etc. But some things happened and I knew after three months of dating/courting that this was not the right man for me and I truly felt God call me out of the relationship.
Something I’ve struggled with ever since is the whole “Oh no!!! I’ve given him a piece of my heart and now it’s gone!!!”
I’ve even suffered from guilt about it, and feeling like a failure. But the fact is I know God wanted me in that relationship for a time and then he wanted me out of it. God taught me so much throughout the whole (painful) process that I am at the point where I’m glad God brought me into that trial.
I just want to thank you for giving me hope. God CAN restore my heart and make it WHOLE again!!
Amen and amen. The Lord is powerful to work in once “perfect”, now broken lives. Thanks so much for saying what needed to be said.
You expressed that beautifully. I am concerned about the courtship idea because I’ve seen girls jump into an exlusive courtship relationship without the making friends step that could also be labeled dating. Both of these words–courtship and dating–are becoming so cluttered up with other definitions and the baggage of stories we read or hear. I think it’s best to leave the way one is going to meet your spouse up to God.
Thank you for this fresh look at emotional purity! I have desired to have “only one” attachment, but have not accomplished that goal. (sigh). It has caused me to wonder if it is “possible” and if that is truly what God wants from us. I mean, He gave us these desires, can hoping and wondering be wrong? Perhaps it is (?). I also had a hard time finding scripture to back up “complete emotional purity” in the way it is commonly presented. I do believe that God wants us to be pure in heart, trusting Him and following His direction – and then leaving the results with Him.
Thank you once again, and may God bless you!
All I can say is thanks for being willing to share this truth. It is so freeing and I totally agree.
Thanks!!!
This post could not be more dead-on. When I experienced for the first (and to date, only) time the wonderful and befuddling epoch of falling in love, I spent the next six months fighting feelings of guilt. Praise the Lord for my mom and another young lady (thank you, E.D.!) who brought me to a place of peace. I am still waiting on the Lord to reveal whether or not this particular young man is the one for me (it’s been two-and-a-half years). Whatever the outcome, I can rejoice in the experiences God has brought me through, and those still to come. Guard your heart, DEFINITELY…but realize that life does happen, even to the best of us, =) and through green pastures, deep waters, and even the fiery trial, God leads His dear children along.
Thank you for addressing this important topic!
VERY glad to see this thread of thought up here. it has been sorely lacking in conservative circles over the past years and very needed. well done.
So true!
If we are waiting for “Mr. Perfect”, we are destined to become “old maids”. I find Elisabeth Elliot’s 80% principle encouraging when considering marriage: there will be, more or less, 20% of imperfections in our husband. If we focus on building and strengthening the 80% of good in our man, we will be very content brides.
I can see how fear of emotional impurity can get in the way of shining as beautifully virtuous maidens in the company of men, perhaps making it more challenging for our future husband to get to know us…
Even if we have made mistakes in our past, our hearts can be made whole. It is wonderful to find peace in our Heavenly Father’s ability to extend mercy through Christ. When we repent and start anew, our sins are removed as far as the east is from the west. While there may be evidence of scars from past brokenness, our hearts may be healed and repaired to be given fully to our husband when we marry.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject so candidly!
Exactly. The idea of being emotionally attached to only one man is definitely a lovely idea…but an impossible one in this world. I am concerned sometimes that girls who have this view are going to be plunged into terrible guilt and even more emotional agony when/if they ever are in a romantic relationship that “fails” in that the two involved decide that marriage is not what God intends for them and a natural period of broken-heartedness ensues.
Well said! I agree.
You should always follow God’s leading in relationships. And he CAN lead you into a relationship…only to lead you out of it before marriage. In this way a “failed courtship” can be a successful courtship. If the couple realizes that they should not marry after all, then the courtship has succeed–it has fulfilled its purpose as a see-if-we-should-be-married time. Our best course of action is to follow God’s leading, wherever that may take us. His ways are always good.
thank you for this post. So many girls I talk to have a fear of not finding the right one. What is good and what is best?
Truth is you don’t know and it will take lots of trust in God. Going through a dating relationship can be tough but will bring you only closer to God.
Really wonderful post! Thank you!
Amen. I am in a beautiful courtship with a young man…and have a broken relationship behind me, as well as some other tough situations. But my heart? Because of JESUS, it is whole.
wow – this article says exactly what I have come to believe over the years. I belive that we conservatives have created a standard higher than God’s to require complete ’emotional purity’ before marriage. That really does deny the power of God to redeem mistakes, or even situations where there is no fault – simply a broken heart, as my experience was. Praise the Lord for His redemption, and thank you for sharing such much-needed insight on this subject.
wow. . . thanks for that!