A Mother-Daughter Duet
A girl never outgrows the need for her mother. That fact came home to me two months into my marriage. My husband was lying on a hospital bed in front of me, broken, burnt, and bruised after a welding explosion which could have so easily claimed his life. In his over-medicated state, he kept forgetting to breathe.
“Can you come now?” My voice broke as I called my mom on my cell phone.
I’d been strong on the drive to the hospital. I’d made it through his first surgery. But I suddenly felt very helpless and alone (the rest of my new family was back at the farm, trying to keep things going without the right hand farmer, my husband!).
My mom had been ready to come the second I’d called her about the accident more than 24 hours earlier. But I’d been okay then. Now the adrenaline had worn off, and I needed my mom. I knew I couldn’t make it waiting through another surgery alone.
My mom only stayed a few short days. She flew back home the same day that I got to take my husband home from the hospital. But those 48 hours stand out in my mind as when our relationship changed.
Gone in an instant were the stresses of planning the wedding together. Of no more account was the way we’d seen things differently during my courtship. Forgotten were the countless emotionally-charged discussions we’d had through my teen years.
Suddenly I felt that now, in my mother’s eyes, I was not only an adult, but a wife. We were relating on a new level. And it was a good thing.
My mom was there for me: making phone calls or bringing me food when I didn’t want to leave my husband’s side. But she respected our privacy and really just hung out in the waiting room most of the time. She was there for me when I wanted her but didn’t try to push her presence on us. Just knowing that she was there was enough.
That is precisely the theme of Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want with Your Adult Daughter: learning the intricate balance of being a mom without mothering too much, letting her know you are there for her without threatening her independence, connecting in friendship on your common ground instead of focusing on the generational differences. (Read on to find out how to win a copy for yourself or for your mom!)
When I agreed to review the book written by Cheri Fuller along with her daughter Ali Plum, I didn’t realize it was directed to moms. I have two daughters—but at ages 6 months and 2 years, respectively, they aren’t exactly adult daughters. So for me, reading Mother-Daughter Duet was more of a chance for reflection on my own relationship with my own mother. And a time of considering the habits and traditions I want to establish with my little girls, who will be 21 before I know it.
The relationship of the mother-daughter authors looked much different from my relationship with my mom. Ali and her dad both struggled with alcoholism and depression, Cheri with trying to fix everything and being co-dependent. But what Mother-Daughter Duet so beautifully illustrates is that while every mother-daughter relationship will be different, each has the same themes: generational differences, the transition from childhood to adulthood, the “faith of our mothers” becoming a personal belief, the craving of respect (for everything from hairstyles to lifestyle choices), the need for letting go, the delight of mother-daughter friendship.
Ali summed it all up when she said to moms:
We need to trust that if you profess to be a believer, you will be a believer and not a worrier. We want you to know that when you try to control what we believe, it pushes us away and your faith looks weak, even if we know God is strong. (Mother-Daughter Duet, pg. 123)
That applies to more people than just moms. And there’s plenty a daughter can learn from the book, as well. Because even though Mom may have more maturity to set the tune, it takes two to sing a duet.
- Thanks to the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for providing this book for review and giveaway.
- Congratulations to Lisa for winning a copy of Mother-Daughter Duet in our giveaway!
Comment 2: Because we see life from different perspectives, I tend to be critical of the things she doesn’t do. With different love languages, different things are important to us. As I’ve turned my concerns into prayer and tried to think on the things that are noble and lovely, my attitude toward her has improved. The relationship could still improve dramatically, but at least that’s a start.
Comment 1: Some people say my mom is a Supermom. She always denies the praise, but as I’ve grown older and looked back on the many things I took for granted as a child, I think I would have to agree. We see life from two different angles. I’m glad that her perspecive challenges me to think about what I do and the reasons behind it all.
I’ve been seeking to improve my relationship with my mom through prayer. It’s a rough transition right now, but I know that God will make a way for peace and harmony.
My mom is so organized! She has always been an example to me that way, because I am definitely NOT organized!
Comment #2
One thing I’ve done to improve our relationship is to really respect my mom not just as my “mom” but as a fellow women and wife. When I was a teenager and up until the past two years we really had a very rocky relationship. I was trying to establish my independence the wrong way. I went against pretty much their every wish and instead of discussing things with them I just did what I wanted. We still don’t agree on everything, but I’ve learned to hold my tongue and listen to my mom. Even if I don’t agree with her, I still try to respect her advice. By doing this my mom doesn’t really criticize my decisions anymore, but responds with love. I love being able to call my mom and just “talk”. I actually talk to my mom more then anyone else (husband excepted :-)).
I really appreciate my relationship with my mom, especially now that I’m married. My husband is in the Navy and we now live 800+ miles from our families and my mom is my biggest support. When I was 18-19 I was sure that my mom and I were never going to get along. From advice on how I’ll handle his deployment to little things like emailing me a recipe I can’t find. I’m so glad we didn’t just repair our relationship, we made it better then ever.
And something I’ve done to improve our relationship is to realize that she *is* there for me and to start opening up to her instead of shutting her out. She really does know what she’s talking about! With God’s grace, we’ve become a lot closer in the past year or so.
The thing I appreciate most about my mom is that she’s always been there to listen or help or anything, even during the seasons when I pushed her away.
My mom was a single parent. My father, an alcoholic, abandoned his family. As a teenager, I did not fully understand the concept of motherhood nor did I appreciate all the sacrifices she had made on my behalf. I was too caught up in myself, filled with expectations that only could be met by God. It was not until I too became a single parent [my husband of 12 years left me] that God showed me not everything is black or white. As a child, you only know in part. It is not until you mature that you see things from a deeper perspective and in turn respond with greater gratitude. I have since apologized to my mom. I even wrote a poem of dedication to her. I just wanted to embrace her with words of encouragement and blessing, something I felt she needed to hear from her daughter. Since then, I have had the opportunity to approach this conversation with my two adult daughters. I too have had to make some rather hard choices in their growing years that were for their best but ones in which they could not understand. Those were rather trying times. I wanted to reassure how much I love them and that there may come a day when they too will feel the need to have the same conversation with me that I had with my mom. I did not want them to live with any regrets should that day come and I was no longer here. I wanted them simply to know that I harbor nothing but “love” for them in my heart. In the meantime, there awaits a letter for each [in my demise] for that day should it ever come. I love them with all of my heart…with the love of a mother. A job that is not easy by any standards but very rewarding all the same.
Wow
I totally get what you were saying about discovering a new relationship with your Mom in times of crisis. It’s like the whole relationship finally clicks over and changes into a whole new, different one. I began to respect my Mom a whole lot more after I married but I didn’t realize how much much I needed her until my baby was being born on my bed at home and she had to leave for fifteen minutes. (My Dad had blown out a tire on his way there and she had to go pick him and my siblings up:)
She got back before our baby was born but I think both me AND my husband realized how much we needed and appreciated her during those LOOONG moments in time.
I appreciate many things about my mom….I could thank her for choosing to homeschool me, for she and dad and all the little choices they made in raising me and my siblings. I appreciate her for instilling a love of natural health and encouraging me to pursue that after high school.
And sometimes I become passionately excited about a subject and she will just listen to me go on and on….. =)
One of the things I have done to improve my relationship with my mom is to be more open with her and realize she is human, too. It is easy to look at her and think she isn’t like me in certain areas, yet she is.
I also have been striving to pray for her each day and try to encourage her.
One of the things I appreciate about my mom is how she keeps encouraging me on to what is best for me spiritually, etc. She is always there for me.
Second comment:
Something that has really helped my relationship with my mom is making the effort to spend time with her and just talk. I mentioned in my other comment that we like to take long walks. That has become the perfect time to get to know each other better. I have also tried to be more proactive and responsible in helping my mom and obeying her. I’m a full-time college student, so I’m not always available for chores and such as much as I used to be, but she appreciates that I do what I can when I’m home.
I appreciate that my mom and I can talk about just about anything. We enjoy taking long walks together at the creek trail behind our neighborhood, and have had a lot of really good conversations about life. I also appreciate that she has allowed me to discover God’s plan for my life and has supported me in that. She has become less of a “teacher” and more of a “mentor” to me, and over the years I have come to value her input a lot more than I used to.
One thing I am working on with my mom is giving her grace to be herself. I have tried to fit her into my boxes and push her to be who I think she should be. Instead, I am working hard to step back and delight in who God has made her to be.
I appreciate that my mom is always willing to listen to me, no matter what she is working through, when I pick up the phone to call her, she actively listens and empathizes with me.
One thing that I have tried to improve in my relationship with my mother is being slower to speak. Not giving my opinion on everythind she does but choosing “my battle” when it comes to any of our disagreements.
I absolutely love my mother!! She is such a great mom. I really appreciate how she still wants to always give to her children even though we’re all adults. She always tries so hard to make sure her family is ok and sacrafices many things in her life so that we have in our own lives.
What I appreciate about my mom is how she takes time to talk to me and listen to my concerns and struggles. She has been such a special blessing in my life through the many struggles of a teenager and on the journey of courtship and marriage. Her advice, counsel, and understanding have made a huge impact on my life and I’m so glad to have my mom for one of my closest friends!
One thing I have done to improve my relationship with my mom is to understand that we are made differently and to respect my mom even when our differences want to clash. Also, I found that while growing up and living at home it was extremely helpful to just be totally open and honest with her about my struggles, dreams, etc.
I’ve learned to pay attention to the little things that show my mom that I respect her.
I appreciate the fact that I can talk about important things with my mom and that she desires to have a good relationship and will apologize if needed. I respect her so much and want to be as devoted to God as she is.
I still live at home even after finishing college.My mother gives me sound advice and counsel even when I act stubborn or when we have intense debates. She just makes sure I am safe and healthy.
Comment #2
Something I’ve done to improve my relationship with my mom is…to discuss things with her….Not being afraid to talk about things I might think she wouldn’t like, asking her advice, and talking about her past. This has made us closer than ever. Also, being quicker to obey and doing less that would offend her, by God’s grace–I believe this is helpful to our relationship.
Comment #1
I appreciate my mom for so many reasons! She is godly, wise, loving, generous, loves to talk with me, encourages me in ways that stretch me….All that and more.
I think a very important thing in a Mother/Daughter relationship is to never take your mother for granted. Now as a mother myself I see how easy it is for kids to just take for granted that mom is mom and she will always be there for me.. It’s important to appreciate your mom!! 🙂
I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and love her dearly. It’s so special to me how she is always here for me whenever I need her. She’s an amazing woman!
One thing that I am and will be doing to improve our relationship, is to mold my attitude into one of a joyful, cheerful spirit ALL of the time. I can tend to be selfish and internally bemoan about a request that needs to be fulfilled or not communicate effectively if I disagree with a point that has been made. I think part of this process of readjusting my attitude is to become more humble and not think so highly of myself. Not only will this improve my mom’s and my relationship, but I am sure that the benefits from this change will better all aspects of my life.
Hahaha, I don’t know if I can just pick *one* thing about my mother that I love, but I will try my best. 😉 One of the things that I appreciate about my mom is that she is so loving and encouraging to me and my family, especially when I/we am/are oh-so unlovable and feeling down. It is so nice to have a best friend that is one step ahead of you in life and can give you sound, biblical advice from her past experience(s) as well as one that you can share everything with and not feel guilty about doing so. We have gone through some much in our life together, and she is such an inspiration of how to deal with situations and how to achieve true strength……from the Lord, the joyful submission to His plan for our lives and the constant reading and obeying of His Word.
Just one thing of many that my mother and I do to improve our relationship is going out on dates together. These are often times unplanned and consist of on of us just grabbing the other’s hand and saying, “Let’s have a date!” These times together are always a learning opportunity for us to be able to grow together in our realtionship as mother and daughter.
What a delight to be able to comment on my mother! She is a constant source of encouragement, love and inspiration for me…. I want to be just like her. We are both growing and trying to figure out our relationship now that I am her adult daughter and not just her baby girl. But as I get to know her better and realize things about her that I never knew…. and inspired by those things as well.
My mother: we share a common language. On special occasions, we can talk in Chinese to one another, which makes it feel like we have a secret code of sorts. Now that I’m a little bit older, we both can do special things for one another like buying special gifts or taking the other person somewhere special. It’s a relationship that I only have with my mom.
One thing I appreciate most about the relationship my mother and I share is her willingness to give me freedom. In a little over a week, I will be married to my best friend. It has been quite a a journey for my family to see my growing up and becoming a woman as a *good* thing. My mother has definately struggled with that thought but is beginning to see me as her grown daughter instead of a child.
Thanks for this giveaway – sounds like an anointed book that any mother and daughter needs to read!
I have tried to improve my relationship with my mom by trying to communicate with her where before I simply closed up and didn’t want her to know anything about me other than some of my distastes for things around me.
I appreciate my mom leaving behind what was familair to her to journey down a path both and more difficult for her. She didn’t follow in her mother’s or sisters’ footsteps, but instead (before she met my dad) decided to follow God’s direction for her life.
I appreciate how my mom and I can learn and benefit from our different strengths.
Improvements:
As I mentioned in my previous post, my mother and I fight. Way more than either of us would like. Something that helped a lot was when I first became aware of the five love languages. I’ve never read the book, but I’ve learned quite a bit about them anyway. The first thing I realized was that mine is Words of Encouragement. The second was that my mom’s is Acts of Service.
As I thought about it, I realized that our love languages are behind most of our misunderstandings and disagreements. A person’s love language encompasses not only what they respond positively to, but what they respond negatively to, and the ways in which they most easily show love to others. We had a great conversation about it, ending in an agreement to keep in mind this aspect of each others’ personalities. This hasn’t always worked, but it certainly helped us to understand each other and it’s definitely been an improvement in the way we relate.
I’m eighteen, my mother’s first and eldest child. When I was twelve, about to turn thirteen, we made a promise to each other that she and I would be friends the whole time I was a teenager.
I’m thrilled to tell you that I graduate high school in three months, and we have kept this promise.
My mother and I have more fights than any other pair of people in the house, but that’s because we’re so much alike. We share much more than our temper; we share a love of dancing in the kitchen and watching movies, a Love for our God, and a trusting relationship.
That’s what I most appreciate about my relationship with my mom. I always hear people talk about mothers and daughters who are great friends when the girl is a child and once the child has become an adult, but we’ve done more. We have made it through the teenaged years unscathed.
Thanks for the post! I appreciate my mom’s willingness to love me even when I’m un-loveable. 🙂 I appreciate that she is willing to be my friend and mentor, especially as I grow up and our relationship changes… however, we still have our bumps along the way!
… and I may as well add! One thing that helps is setting aside time to just TALK to one-another. Go for coffee or supper, just I like I do with my friends. We’re still working on this, but when we do it helps us connect and discuss anything and everything that may be bothering us/worrying us regarding the relationship. Although we see each other each day, I’m not home alot, and flying by each other does not count for real quality time that builds a relationship.
As far as improving the relationship… I’m trying more to respect and honor her both to her face and behind her back.
I really appreciate the fact that my mom recognizes my contributions to the family~cooking, cleaning, child care, etc. She’s usually really good at thanking me for things.
One thing I have done to improve my relationship with my mom is asking her advice. I used to be very prideful, believing I knew best in all things. Now, I appreciate my mother’s hard-won wisdom, and she loves when I ask her for advice.
Congratulations, Lisa. You’re our drawing winner. 🙂
One thing I appreciate about my relationship with my mom is how much fun she is. I can tend toward being too cautious, but she encourages me to go ahead and do fun things, even if they are a little scary to me.
Comment #2:
One thing that I have done in order to try to help the relationship between myself and my mom was to hold my tongue and try to be flexible, especially when it comes to the biggest change in my life: my young man. I have to admit, having a guy in my life has resulted in more arguments and “talks” between me and my mom. It’s a slow process, learning to respect my mom, but stand on my own as an adult. I don’t always do well, but I try to be respectful.
I appreciate a lot about my mom, but one of the biggest things that I appreciate is how she constantly prays for my siblings and I. Ever since I was a little girl, her prayer was for me to grow up to be a woman of God. She’d even pray for my future husband when I wasn’t anywhere near old for marriage!
Women of Promise is actually partially inspired by a mother-daughter relationship. Cheri (Mom) and Natasha (daughter) joined together to help disciple young girls in the way that Cheri once discipled her daughter.
Actually, discipleship is the one word that I would use to describe my (Natasha’s) relationship with my mother. She trained me until I was a teenager, then discipled me until I was an adult and now works beside me to disciple others.