Surrender…

If we were to meet this afternoon, you would think I have it all: an incredibly loving husband, a beautiful little daughter, a warm and comfortable home. And you would be right. But what you wouldn’t know and couldn’t see, would be the lonely years of fear in my past. If you were here today we would sit down on the couch, hands cupping lattes, sun streaming in, and I would tell you my story…

About the years as a child dreaming about what the future might hold. The teenage years staring in the mirror, deeply troubled that I didn’t feel beautiful. In my twenties, as friends all around me were walking down aisles and setting up homes. And perhaps you could relate to the intense fear I could never express to even close friends. Fear that no man would ever see me, that I would live with my parents until my hair turned gray, that my life would be characterized by depression rather than laughter. So many nights I would lay in bed and dream, then cry because if I never married I truly didn’t know what I was going to do with my life.

Now comes my favorite part of this little story, because just as He does so often, Jesus met me in that place of hopelessness. There was no flash of understanding or angel visitation, but when my pain grew so great that I couldn’t carry it, God gently drew my heart to Himself. Contrary to so much of what I had been taught growing up, it became clear to me through prayer and listening that God didn’t want me to give up my dreams or bury my heart’s desire. He just wanted me to hold them with an open hand, to let Him carry the weight of unanswered questions, and most importantly to learn to connect with Jesus mentally and emotionally. This place of surrender scared the daylights out of me, and yet somehow I took the leap…and found solid ground underneath me.

Over time so many changes appeared. Prayer had always been a responsibility rushed through; now I lost track of time pouring out my heart and receiving comfort. I filled my life with as many nurturing things as possible, because with or without a husband I had a new vision for the woman I was meant to become. This included healthy friendships, lots of books and beautiful music. And despite years of crippling body issues, I began going to the gym and finding clothes that worked with my body type. When opportunities for travel or challenging projects came up, I took them. Because I could. Because I had finally surrendered to the fact that we don’t get to choose our futures. That so much is outside of our control. And I had surrendered to the possibility that I might never have what I most wanted. It was all placed under the control of my Counselor and Creator, the God who brought victory from tiny armies and made the sun stand still.

And this same God continued His miracles in eventually giving me my heart’s desire. You may think this is where the story ends, riding off into the sunset, birds singing and music swelling, but the adventure continues. Because unbeknownst to me, there are just as many challenges and frustrations in living the dream as there were longing for it.  Whoever said you can be more lonely married than single wasn’t trying to make you feel better; it’s true. But what is also true is that God will meet you in those places of loneliness. He knows that as you surrender, taking that scary leap into the unknown…you will find the truest joy.

Capri
Capri is both wife and mother, friend and student. She loves creating beauty in her home and reads every day. But more than any of this, she is a searcher. For truth, for inspiration, for Jesus and His words to her heart.
Capri

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conversations between sisters in Christ

  1. says

    I was only coming to acknowledge I need to surrender many of the dreams and my hopes for the future to the Lord again last night – so this was very timely to read. Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes as a young women I just need to know I’m not alone with these thoughts, feelings, and struggles and to have that reminder that God is there for me too in the situations I face. :) Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!

    Blessings,
    ~Rachel~

  2. Christa says

    Thank you Capri, for reminding me of my own story. I too was in my 20′s feeling my dreams of marriage wouldn’t happen when I learned to trust the Lord for my future, whether marriage or singleness was in God’s plans for me. The He sent me my husband. Now, my husband and I are facing the need to surrender our dream of children to God’s hands as well, and your reminder really inspired me to trust the Lord for it as well.

  3. sheila says

    I really enjoyed reading this , I was awake early tossing and turning with turmoil from my Fathers passing a year or so ago , over a year and we really didnt get any of his personal belongings at all , see he was remarried when we where younger there are three of us first sets of girls , my Dad had 5 girls , I am the oldest . but just yesterday I was introduced to a few things , he had so much stuff but for some reason the fight of lawyers , and pain of going back and forth with attorneys over Money and personal belongings was a long hard road , and looking at that box with a few scraps of things not even the pictures that we asked for when we where children. it just makes you numb and stop and wonder why peoples hearts are so hard. why do they hurt you when you feel that they should be sorrowful for you .. then all this has opened wounds back up for my heart of not healing , and losing the earthly goods that we asked for that meant so much to us. to stop and say God please take this. from this message this morning I have learned that we cannot help what others do to us , and even if they do cause us pain. but you are so right if we can focus on the God above , and give that pain to him because if you experience pain , and usually most people do more than life itself then , we experienced more than our share or more than we can handle truly we must have a outlet to turn our hearts toward someone who will heal it instead of someone who will hurt it. then we will prosper allowing God to heal our every wound . so I will take this pain and use it for the good of the unforgiveness maybe that others carry , because allowing myself to know that I can heal with forgiving them and others , but truly we will never heal if we carry the unforgiving heart. thank you for this post it has helped me realize that God will still be there in the mess of my mess. amen.

  4. Samantha R says

    The title says it all; Surrender. It truly is about surrender and letting God be in control of my life (and leaving the reigns in His hands even when I want to force something to happen). And the interesting thing is that I have more peace when I’m in surrender than when I’m trying to be in control. Surrender is a beautiful thing.

  5. says

    I love this post – I’m at a point in my life where it’s exactly what I needed to hear right now. As a young woman in her twenties, I’m getting ready to graduate from college and the pressure to get married can get so intense. So, Capri, thank you for sharing your testimony, it’s so inspiring and encouraging. I can’t wait to see what God will do with my life as I continue to give my life to Him – it’s hard and the loss of control some days gives me small panic attacks, but faith overcomes that.